It's Time To Do Something About It

I was just a kid, in grownups' clothing, masquerading as someone who knew what she was doing. It took decades to realize we're all impostors of a sort, playing at becoming adults, trying on one costume after another until we figure out who we were all along. Only now it's the end of the 5th decade, and I realize I still feel like the kid trying on Dad's uniform shirt and hat and knowing they'll never fit me.

I had knowledge, but never owned the hard-won wisdom. I had love, but disavowed my worthiness to receive it. I'm told I had beauty, but never believed it, choosing instead to hear the one voice that told me different. How old did I think I'd have to be to claim I could be deserving of such riches?

I have a decent job making a decent salary. Not as much as most make in the same job with the same skills and experience in this market niche in this part of the country - but more than a great many people in these crazy scary economic times.

I try to keep a balance between frugal and reclusive. My financial situation is on its way to feeling more stable than it has in decades, but I don't own a home, and a layoff now would be a catastrophe.

I'm single; have been for a long time now. I don't really want to be, but it's difficult to just "go out and find someone" or even to just "go out and let myself be found."

These are the three foundations of my "current status" tripod, which I'm wobbling atop while swiveling my head madly, because I'm convinced I can't choose between Door #1, Door #2, and Door #3 unless I can see them from here. Equally convinced that seeing the door will give some clue as to what's behind it. Sure that Doors 4-99 will reveal themselves the very second I've committed to choosing 1, 2 or 3. Knowing that some choices lock certain doors behind us (it's true...but needs an essay of its own to describe in any detail), I hesitate ridiculously long to make this one. Why does it seem so important this time? Because of my age? Because of the times? Because I really want to take solid action toward the kind of life I want and not just settle for what I get? Because I've learned the difference between what I can change, and what changes me? Because I'm afraid it's easier to choose what makes us comfortable rather than reach for something new?

Deferral has not served me well. I have been lucky and I have been strong. But I have let fear and doubt chart too many of my routes. The path is longer than I imagined, but still speeds beneath my feet. I won't reach the end wishing for one more day to work harder for one more paycheck.

Some say "no regrets" but I maintain no such pretense. I have the same regrets I've carried all along. All unchangeable, but most diffused through the lense of time. Those that still burn do so with an intensity that only deepens beneath that same lense. Pain continually invents new ways to burrow deep, to best the thresholds previously thought unscalable.

With fierce naivete, I bound myself to the stake of principle until, blackened to my knees, I fell to them in defeat. When I could rise again, I learned to step lightly again from day to day, running headlong into the face of every wind. You can't drop the baggage, but you can practice and learn to carry it without dragging down.

I learned to circle the track. But I'm a road racer...give me top down, tunes blasting, and long back roads every time. Give me at journey's end someone to love, to share the moments high and low. "Wrap me in colors to keep me warm."

Make more time for living. Start living. More.